FEATURE The story goes like this: every type of specialist can be clearly identified by the manner in which they hunt elephants. For example, mathematicians don't actually hunt elephants, they merely prove that it is possible to hunt elephants. Math professors don't even do this; they merely prove that elephants exist, and leave the proof that it is possible to hunt elephants as an exercise for their grad students. Get the idea? This is one of those amazing ongoing gags that have a life of their own; descriptions of elephant-hunting practices have been written for dozens and dozens of professions, mostly in the fields of science. Of course, they are usually most funny to those close-enough to the profession to really "get it". Anyway, a couple months ago I volunteered to add the programming profession to the list, on a language-by-language basis. The write-up was a hit and has already been printed in a few user-group letters and magazines, but has been only sporadically available on CIS. Here, is the full text, for your enjoyment and corkboard or cubicle-wall posting. (User-groups: please reprint the entire issue, not an extract). Clipper programmers don't actually hunt elephants, they just buy libraries of elephant parts and then spend years attempting to integrate them. dBase programmers only hunt elephants at night when no one will notice that they are still using crossbows instead of rifles. FoxPro programmers switch to a newer and better rifle every few days which causes them to spend more time learning new shooting techniques than actually hunting. C programmers refuse to buy rifles off the shelf, and go to Africa with steel rods and a mobile machine shop, intending to build a perfect rifle for the job from scratch. They are then never heard from again. Paradox programmers go to Africa with copies of Hollywood movie scripts about elephant hunting, the re-enactment of which they believe will help them to catch an elephant. Access programmers zero right in on an elephant right away, even with no prior experience in elephant hunting, and then, dressed impeccably and fully looking the part, get the elephant in their beautifully-mounted scopes, and realize that other than missing a trigger, they are 99.9% "there". Rbase programmers are even rarer than elephants. In fact, the elephants, if they ever do sight an Rbase programmer, consider it a "lucky day." Visual Basic programmers point at their bullets, then point at their rifles, and then point at the elephant. This amuses the elephants, who run away. The VB programmers are unable to pursue them, because their jeeps are undrivable, having steering wheels, joy sticks, yokes, and rudders, due to their love of multiple "controls". ADA, APL, Fortran programmers, the Tooth Fairy, and Santa Claus, are all fictional characters. COBOL programmers have too much empathy to hunt another nearly-extinct species. If you would like to submit new programmer/elephant hunting spec.'s, please do so! /Richard Grossman 75300,1556 Wait -there's more... reviews Jurassic Park has the greatest dinosaur effects - and lots of them. This is no Clay-mation, my friends. Jurassic Park also has one of the rare occurrences of a computer programmer in a key role. But lord help us, this is a programmer of the genus Slobbus Screw-Upus. "Dennis" is played as a fat slob working at a garbage-strewn desk, with a serious junk food (and greed) problem, who hacks away vainly attempting to whittle down the bug list, which according to his chain- smoking project manager, is huge. He doesn't consider himself part of the team, to say the least. But that doesn't stop him from loading up a serious project with stupid little computer tricks, like bad animations of himself that pop up when the user hasn't got the right password. In a very few sentences, information is dropped here and there that indicates that Michael Crichton (the author) has "been there" on a project gone bad. Apparently, the company handling the software for Jurassic Park underbid and now wants more money, which JP's founder is not about to pay. So the park is clearly not ready to go online when our protagonists show up for a preview ride through the park. But it must go online, because the investors are concerned. Sound familiar? How many times have you cleaned up such a project following the end-result of this sort of "plot-development"? As any software pro knows, the results are not questionable, they are predictable (at least from a software point of view). But in the case of Jurassic Park, it's not a few sales orders or bytes of data that get let loose - it's an assortment of live dinosaurs, some carnivorous. Don't we all get bummed when a hidden bug takes out our 10,000- volt fences? I don't know about you, but I hate when that happens. If only every software-development project could be allocated a spare venomous Dilophosaur, the Dennis-es of the world could be dispatched much more quickly. See the movie. Then walk around parties in a daze, saying, "Not all programmers are bad." Zoo-designers of the future, make a mental note: do not ring Visitor Center and all access roads with savage high-speed carnivore exhibits. Idea for Steven Spielberg: Maybe in Jurassic Park 2, you could have a software vendor eaten by a velociraptor. Slowly. Take Note, Producers of the World: Sneakers not withstanding, we are still waiting for a movie where the programmer gets the girl. / Richard Grossman 75300,1556 FoxBase Alpha is the name of a CD put out by a group called St. Etienne. Thinking this would be fun to have around at the next FoxPro programmer party, I bought it. It's good alternative music that's fairly mellow as techno goes. You may have heard the cover of Neil Young's Only Love Can Break Your Heart, which got some airplay last summer. Recommended. / Richard Grossman 75300,1556 MONDO 2000 is a very cool fairly new magazine. Some large newstands are starting to put it in the computer section, while others stock it in the style or alternative section. It's hard to describe without trivializing it. Here's a short questionnaire to determine if MONDO 2000 would be of interest to you. 1 Do you like alternative music magazines like Sinner or Ray Gun? 2 Do you have an interest in viewing leading edge sampled/generated/painted computer-plus graphics? 3 Did you read and like Neuromancer? 4 Are you interested in the philosophy and future of computing? 5. Do you prefer Robert Cringely to Spencer Katt? If you answered "Yes" to any of these questions, check out MONDO 2000. Warning: this is not to be mistaken for any other of the magazines that are named MONDO something-or-other. The "2000" is easily readable on the cover. Issue # 10 contents includes Jamming Good with Weird: Interactive CD-ROMS that Rock; HyperWebs; R.U. A Cyberpunk?; Captain Crunch, Whistle Blower; There's Such a Fine Line Between Clever and Stupid. Also: Facing-page ads for After Dark 2.0, and a new CD by "Sheep on Drugs". I swear this is all true. As a quibble, sometimes it gets a bit intellectual in a Berkeley-kind of way, for me, with some articles and interviews you really have to pay attention to, hard (as opposed to great literature like CoderZine, which many survey respondents report is perfect for reading in the bathroom or while other people are talking). Also be forewarned that Mondo's cyberworld consists of Mac's, Silicon Graphics WS's, and possibly Amiga's. PC's are never "PC", apparently, unless they are found in the garbage and used in a performance, or something. The bottom-line is: this is the first magazine that's definitely NOT more of the trade-slop: 23 Identical Video Monitors Compared!, First Peek at a Draft of a Press Release about a Future Possible Product!, Top Programs Reviewed by People Who Depend on The Vendors for Their Livelihood in a Magazine that Depends on Those Same Vendors for Their Existence!, etc. Buy MONDO 2000 now. Then subscribe, because the newstands sell out so fast that it's easy to accidentally miss every other one. They can be contacted at PO Box 10171, Berkeley, CA 94709-0171. Phone is 510-845-9018, FAX is 510-649-9630. Or on Compuserve - see next review. /Richard Grossman 75300,1556 CYBERFORUM Virtual Reality was a Compuserve section somewhere else and got so big it got its own forum - CYBERFORUM. Great discussions, and it's at the intersection of philosophy and real technology you can use today. Example: find out how some programmers have used the Nintendo Power Glove as low-cost VR input hardware. Message sections currently are: Forum Info Building Realities VR Technology VR Workgroup Developers Interface Edge Entertainment Edge Art/Film/Video Edge Music Edge Literary Edge Events/Conferences New Products Meet MONDO 2000 Community Square Computers & Society If you think this is a place where passionate discussions are held about the philosopy, the future, the possibilities, and the right & wrongs of virtual reality, you're right! And if you think this is a place where specific hardware, software, and Wait -there's more... techniques are supported for creating real virtual reality applications, you're also right! Plus a lot of sneak-advance info on new stuff coming along. If this kind of stuff has any appeal to you, you should drop in. I've been having a great time lurking the threads since the forum opened in early June. /Richard Grossman 75300,1556 FEEDBACK CoderZine is a great idea! I sincerely hope it succeeds, and I'm looking forward to the next issue. Earl Bennett/Salt Lake City, UT/71333,2656 JOBS WANTED After 15 years in a rut, I'm ready for a change. I have written a number of Microsoft Windows programs using Borland C++ 3.1 with Application Frameworks. I have done software support in the BCPPWIN forum as a member of Team Borland for the last 6 months. Resume available upon request. Earl Bennett/Salt Lake City, UT./71333,2656 SELLING IT I have an opportunity to go to Paris for a few weeks this summer. Rather than leave my one-bedroom on Venice Beach empty, I thought I might sublet it. You can use my two computers, 21" monitor, and Novell network, plus 43" tv, kitchen, and my ocean view, too. $950/week or will trade for equipment or a place in Prague. PS: I also wouldn't mind a (FoxPro) project I could work on while in Europe - or a contact who knows the best bars! / Richard Grossman 75300,1556 // Los Angeles, CA QUICK FACTS The Microsoft Word spell-check flagged "Borland" in this issue, but had no suggestions. But we know what it was thinking! /Richard Grossman 75300,1556 LAUGH-TRACK A computer engineer, a systems analyst, and a programmer were driving down a mountain when the brakes gave out. they screamed down the mountain, gaining speed, and finally managed to grind to a halt, more by luck than anything else, just inches from a thousand foot drop to jagged rocks. They all got out of the car. The computer engineer said, "I think I can fix it." The systems analyst said, "No, I think we should take it into town and have a specialist look at it." The programmer said, "OK, but first I think we should get back in and see if it does it again." / Angus Scott-Fleming 75500,3223 // GeoApplications /// Tucson, AZ SURVEY Do you listen to music or watch television while you work? What? My favourite music to listen to while coding is anything by JEAN MICHEL JARRE. /Peter Shortland 100271,1576 I always listen to music when I work. It helps me pace myself and helps me keep track of time and keep focused on whatever it is I am working on. I gear the music to the problem I am working on at the time, ranging from motivational classical to inspirational classical and from hard rock/country rock to pop/country to jazz. My most recent favorite work CD is the soundtrack from Amadeus (Academy of St. Martin-in-the-Fields - Neville Marriner). /Bryan Kisiel 76657,126 I like to catch new episodes and old reruns of Star Trek - The Next Generation, plus I also like the new Star Trek Deep Space Nine. Music-wise, I like (lately) AB Logic, Soul Asylum, Inspiral Carpets, and Cocteau Twins. Jean Jarre does it for me, too, especially Zoo Look. /RG CoderZine is a newsletter about and for programmers, sometimes also called "coders". CoderZine will include news, gossip, press releases, job offers, announcements, and other stuff that doesn't make into the product-oriented magazines. The idea is that you can announce news like getting a new contract, moving to Paris, starting a new consulting business, begging for work, hiring more programmer-slaves to exploit, head-hunting, liking or hating a new piece of software, hardware or cellular phone, attacking some big software company that is a giant advertiser elsewhere, reviewing another magazine, recommending a book, etc. CoderZine distribution will be made to PCVEND Section 4 (Tech III's forum). Additionally, I will take on the job of uploading to a few other forums to get things rolling. Sysops of those and other forums and BBS systems are invited to upload it to their forums as often as possible. I would appreciate occasional feedback on how CoderZine is doing download-statistic-wise. User group newsletters are invited to reprint CoderZine. Please mail me a copy. Everyone is invited (begged, implored, and threatened, too) to submit. Why not help out now while there's no waiting? Everything must be real short -- like 5 to 20 lines of 80 characters max (math geniuses: 400 to 1600 bytes). Download CDZ000.ZIP for full info. CDZCAT.TXT contains a list of the valid categories for submitting material. CDZLAW.TXT contains rights, permissions, and disclaimers of interest to lawyers, user-groups, and sysops. Contrary to conventional wisdom, sysops, you are INVITED TO UPLOAD EVERY ISSUE of CDZ to YOUR FORUM. Do I make myself crystal clear, SIR!? Filler-Quote: "I'm a doctor, Jim, not a magician." CREDITS Publisher: Cyber Beach Press Virtual Editor: Richard Grossman 75300,1556 Created in: Microsoft Word Itself Created on: Everex Step 386/25 (pant, pant) Modem: US Robotics Courier HST dual standard Trans-Station: Toshiba 5100 w/,yes, built-in EGA output! Cyberworld: Compuserve Cyberhome: PCVEND Section 4 If your company makes something that would help us in producing CoderZine, or make it better, please give us one! For the purpose of the Berne Convention, the author of these bytes is Richard Grossman. For the purpose of the Cannes Film Festival, the author is Jacques Grossman. For the purpose of the Helsinki Conference, the author is losing hair -- please send formula at once. END-OF-TRANSMISSION << C o d e r z i n e >> {Kohd-uh-zeen} 1. The `Zine about coders, as in Magazine, Programmers This is issue 1, published June 21, 1993. Copyright (c) 1993 Cyber Beach Press virtual Page 1 Virtual Page 3 << C o d e r z i n e >> {Kohd-uh-zeen} 1. The `Zine about coders, as in Magazine, Programmers This is issue 1, published June 21, 1993. Copyright (c) 1993 Cyber Beach Press